I am [my husband's] permanent slave. He owns me completely.
[At] a specific point in time he accepted me as his slave and
from that point onward, knowing fully what I was getting into,
I agreed that he would make all the decisions about my life;
that my property now became his property; that he can do with
me whatever he wants, however he wants. The control started
out pretty mild. [Now that] I'm in the third year of this relationship,
it's very slowly and gradually become stronger and more encompassing.
I don't think [the average person] would recognize me if
he met me, because I am-- and come across as--a very competent,
happy individual. I'm happier now than I ever have been. I'm
more relaxed and confident than the great majority of people
I meet. Most people I meet are living their lives dreaming dreams
of what they wish could happen to them, what they wish they
could be, and they're not pursuing those dreams. I pursued my
dream. I've gone for what I really wanted in my life and I've
I used to consider myself to be a [committed] feminist.
These days I don't like the closed-mindedness [and] stridency
of some feminists. In many ways they come across as just another
fanatical group. I'm completely for women's rights in the sense
of women doing what they want to do with their lives and having
no group, including other feminists, tell them what they must
do [or] be. I've read lots of things written by feminists against
S&M; and women submissives in particular. They don't like the
fact that some women choose to give their power completely to
another person. That makes me very angry. It seems that some
feminists are [saying] that I must choose their path instead
of my path. I have a certain bitterness toward [politically
correct] feminists; I consider myself to be a true feminist.
I have made my own choices about my life. I have chosen what
I know and believe makes me most happy. I am not conforming
to anyone's ideal of what I should be. I am a very powerful
woman, powerful enough to fulfill my life's dreams, something
that few people do. If [someone] chooses to see this as giving
in to the patriarchal society, [she is] seeing me on a superficial
level and being purposely obtuse. I am a much more powerful
woman than [those] who must conform to some feminist ideal.
My earliest feelings about D&S; happened when I was four
or five. They weren't fantasies, just feelings. I liked to serve
my parents, do little favors for them. I liked to play the subservient
role [with] the children that I played with. I organized games.
We'd have a little competition, and whoever lost had to be the
absolute slave of the winner for the entire day. I'd always
make sure I lost! My first D&S; fantasies started when I was
about nine and involved humiliation. One I remember is of me
in a circus arena, running naked round and round while this
swarm of bees chased me [and tried] to get inside my bottom.
Everyone in the [audience] was laughing at me, and I was very
embarrassed to be naked and very scared and aware of the painfulness
of these bees trying to get into my bottom.
I've had long talks with my master about [how my desires
formed]. My ideas about this change all the time, but right
now I believe it's partially genetics. I don't think the kind
of childhood I [had made] me submissive. It was a bad childhood.
Unlike many people, I think that my submissive feelings survived
despite the abuse. The abuse should have shut me down, should
have made me a very different person than I am now.
[As a child] I thought of myself as a special person. I
thought I was very intelligent, but I was also very reserved
and very shy. I was not like the other girls. I didn't play
with dolls. I didn't join cliques. If I had a friend in school,
and that was rare, it would just be [one] girl. I wanted to
fit in because, in Catholic school, children who were different
were ridiculed by the teachers, the nuns, and the [other] children.
I hated standing out.
Through my teens and early 20s, I continued to have very
lurid S&M; fantasies. When I was 23 I got my boyfriend to act
out some D&S; with me. I'd read him parts of Story of O, and
that would get him really hot. I told him that I'd like to live
out something like that, and one day he took me by surprise.
He cut a switch from a tree and tied my wrists to the ceiling
and beat me with [it] and did some very humiliating things to
me. I loved that. I was never more excited in my life! But the
next day the bruises came up on my buttocks, and it scared him
off completely. He thought that meant that he was a brutal and
evil man, and he wouldn't have anything else to do with S&M.;
I ended up staying with him for seven years after that and never
could get my S&M; desires fulfilled, although I constantly fantasied
about [that episode] when we'd have sex.
I became aware of what I was about the age of 29 when I
had gotten on an Anne Rice kick. The [Vampire books] were very
romantic, and there was an underlying theme of power in them.
I soon came across the Beauty books. That was when a lightbulb
went off in my head: I realized that, yes! This is me! I'm submissive.
I love S&M.; I would love to live out the things that this woman
is describing. I knew I had to seek it out. I knew I had to
somehow find other people who were into this. I wasn't the least
bit sure of how I could do that, but I knew from then on what
I was and what I really wanted.
To be submissive means to be willing to do someone else's
will. A feeling of sexual excitement is linked to that. I also
get a feeling of doing what's right for me, of being at home,
of expressing my true personality. [Lifestyle D&S; also involves]
a great deal of trust. [My] bad childhood is not the kind of
background that would make you trust anyone. I'm an extremely
suspicious person. I have a hard time trusting men in particular.
I was raped as a child, and to this day I haven't gotten over
this. I have a hatred and fear of men in general. My master
is an exceptional man, and it is through his personality only
that I am able to trust him to the degree that I do, which is
almost absolute. The chains that bind me are not physical. [My
husband's] power over me has grown over the three years. It's
a very subtle thing. It's not something I can fully explain
to someone who has had no taste for it. Sure, I could untie
my collar and walk out in the middle of the night. But I won't.
It's not a game I'm playing with myself.
I consider myself to be a three-way masochist. I'm a physical
masochist: I like pain and I like cruelty in association with
that pain. I'm an emotional masochist: I love humiliation, especially
degradation. And I'm a mental masochist: I love power; I love
someone being in control over me. In a lifestyle relationship,
I get all three. I have no rights in this relationship. I don't
have safewords. I'm not permitted to leave him, no matter what,
unless I clearly and honestly [think] that I [am] in danger.
Every relationship is different, of course. I own no property
any more, except for a black-leather rose which he gave me.
That's a tender joke between us: I have one possession, and
it's this little rose I keep on my vanity table. I'm told when
to wake up in the morning. I'm told when to go to sleep. When
I'm not working, he gives me my orders for the day. I'm allowed
to make suggestions about what I'd like to get done, but I can't
insist. The final decision about what I do on any day is up
to him. But often my suggestions are accepted.
In the evening I prepare his bed, get him water to drink,
turn off lights, shut the windows. When I get into bed, I'm
tied to the bed by a collar and a rope. I also have to wear
a mask and earplugs at night, so there's some sensory deprivation.
I do most of the housework. When my master is in a mood to wash
dishes, he will, but it mostly falls on me. I have to ask permission
to eat, to drink anything except water, to use the bathroom,
to make purchases. I carry no money except what he gives me.
I turn my paychecks over to him. He handles all the finances.
I have to curtsey upon entering and leaving his presence. I
must come promptly when he calls. As far as my career is concerned,
he decides which [freelance] contracts I accept, although I'm
allowed to give my input. He takes [it] into consideration.
I have to keep my pussy shaved. I have to exercise three times
a week to keep in shape. [Oh, and] when he pinches my nose,
I have to say "Beep! beep!" [So] that's what my [daily] life
is like, what it's like being a slave.
My sex life is completely controlled by him. I'm not allowed
to touch myself without his permission. And he gives [it] rarely.
I used to masturbate three or four times a day--that was my
routine. Not any more. We do the things that he likes to do
and I give my input. He controls what we do during [sex], but
the most powerful aspect of that control is the control over
my orgasms. If he gives me permission at a time when I'm not
particularly in the mood, I [still] must come.
If I disobey him, I'm punished in a way I don't like. Not
with fun punishment, but with bad punishment. [I get punished]
when it's conscious and willful, like when I'm very angry at
him and I go to the refrigerator and take out a bagel and eat
it because I'm pissed at him. I always confess to him when I
do those kinds of things. And I get punished. [But] when it's
an emotional problem or something that he feels I'm not completely
in control of, he will not punish me. Instead, we try to get
to the roots of the problem. That works very successfully. My
strong feelings about fairness and rights come from my childhood.
I was treated unfairly and inconsistently and hurt a lot--physically
One of the hardest things is [that] I have to honestly tell
him exactly what I'm thinking whenever he asks. That's hard
sometimes, because I'm a very private person. I also [have to]
tell him my dreams every morning. I've always been very independent.
It has taken me a long time to get used to being under this
much control, to having my desires thwarted at times. The biggest
sorrows that I've experienced as a permanent slave have had
to do with the resistance that I've experienced and acted out
in response to this control. I've had particular difficulty
with aerobics. I'm a lazy person. I don't like to exercise,
yet my master insists I do that for my health. I get angry and
emotional and stomp my feet and throw tantrums.
[There are] other issues that have come up that I've felt
weren't fair for me or weren't within his right to impose upon
me. Fairness and rights are a big deal with me. It's taken me
a long time to learn that I have no rights as a slave. I'm still
learning. Resistance is particularly ugly. You treat your master
like you would never imagine a slave should treat a master or
a human being should treat any other human being! I get angry;
I say vicious things. I fight him with all my might. In the
end, though, we talk and we talk about why I'm resisting. We
talk about the struggles that are involved. In the end I [always]
end up submitting to his will.
I get this perverse delight in giving up my power completely
and knowing that I am absolutely controlled by someone else.
I mean perverse in a good sense. It's this tingly feeling in
my body, this shiver of delight. Another delightful part of
[our] lifestyle relationship--the things I'm describing are
very individualistic; they probably [don't] resemble anyone
else's relationship--is I like being little. I don't mean infantilism,
but I like the aspect of our relationship in which my master
[is] older--he is physically older than me by about 13 years
and mentally older than me by about 50 years--[and] more experienced.
I see him as a mentor and as almost a father figure. I like
being small and childlike in his presence. That's very pleasant
In this relationship, I've become a lot more emotionally
healthy. My master respects individuality. He's always respected
my personality and not tried to crush it, although he certainly
has the power to do so. He's got a very powerful personality
himself. [When my master makes a bad decision], it's no big
deal. I may get angry or upset, but he admits his mistakes.
We talk about it, and it's over in a few hours. [Sometimes]
I argue with him [vehemently] about what I think is the right
way to do things. Sometimes he changes his mind; often he doesn't.
He lets me get angry and express my reasons over and over, ad
nauseam. But in the end, he decides.
The specific sexual acts that we do I imagine are similar
to scenes that single S&M;'ers or casual S&M; acquaintances perform.
But I know he's my permanent master, and I know that after [it's]
over, I'm going to wake up tied to the bed. Obedience is a big
part of the lifestyle relationship for me. The more obedient
I become, the more delightful the experience becomes for me.
I think a person who is not in a permanent relationship doesn't
get that same feeling of obedience and joy. They [may] experience
pain [or] humiliation, but it isn't an ongoing thing that becomes
deeper and deeper. My sexual feelings continue to intensify,
and my feeling of being owned [grows] deeper.
I love serving my owner. I love doing things for him. I
love having routines and duties that I must perform every day.
I love when he dresses me up in this obscene french maid's uniform
he bought for me and I become "Fifi," the French maid. My service
to him takes on a lot more formal and ritualized aspect when
I'm Fifi. My curtseys are much deeper and more frequent. If
I drop something, if I misplace something, if I'm not quick
enough, Fifi gets turned over his knee and gets a very painful
beating. I love being a French maid! I like to be whipped and
beaten in various ways. I really love being caned. We don't
do a lot of bondage. Instead, my master likes me to hold myself
in place. I love having to maintain that position no matter
how painful the cut of the crop or the bite of the cane. I love
oral sex. In S&M; [it] is real different than [in] vanilla. You're
servicing your master. You're very aware that you're trying
to please him. [With] my ex-husband, I [was] aware that I was
in control, orchestrating his feelings and his orgasm. With
my master it's the opposite. He's controlling my head and my
mouth and telling me exactly what to do, and I'm trying to serve
him in the best way possible.
I love having my face slapped. Hard. There's a shock that
runs through me when my master stares into my eyes and slaps
my face. I feel it in my pussy. It's a wonderful tingly feeling.
I like being shaved. Sometimes my master shaves me. It's very
humiliating. I distinguish between good embarrassment and bad
embarrassment. Bad embarrassment would be where your boss calls
you into her office and yells at you in front of other employees
and makes you feel like shit. Humiliation and good embarrassment
usually involves some kind of exposure, physical or emotional.
I like having my bottom exposed and talked about and played
with. I like it when my master beats me and I squirm around
on the bed and inadvertently expose my vaginal lips and shake
and squirm in all kinds of embarrassing ways. Humiliation is
a wonderful thing. [In S&M;] you know that the person isn't doing
it to hurt your feelings. A masochist gets sexual excitement
from experiencing physical pain and humiliation [is] a form
of emotional pain. There's a small element of exhibitionism
in humiliation, but true exhibitionists don't like to be humiliated.
They like to show off the parts of their bodies that they're
proud of. In humiliation, you get parts of your body exposed
that you like to keep private. It gives me a real thrill to
be embarrassed in [that way]. I blush; I giggle; I turn red.
If I had my own free choice, I wouldn't walk around with the
bottoms of my Doctor Dentons undone.
[This is the first time] I'm close enough with someone [that
I can] loosen up and relax and be silly. I see the part of his
personality that is fun and playful. I've become more relaxed
and more myself than I have in any other relationship with any
other person in my life, including my family [and] an ex-husband
who I was with for [over a decade]. If you're with the right
person, miracles can [occur.]