[I am a] dominant. I've been butch all my life. [As far back as] I can remember I was crossdressing and doing boy stuff and hanging out with boys. When I became gay, it was natural for me to fall into the pattern of being butch. I think lesbians tend to get into platonic relationships where one person may [be] more together [or] may even be older. There [will be a] mother-daughter thing going on, but they don't call it that, [and] they don't play at it. A lot of lesbians tend to get together and be sexual and then [change]. After a couple of years, there is [a] platonic relationship; women may stay together for years and not have much sexual interaction. They may cuddle, they may touch each other, but it's not really get-down- get-dirty sex.

I've always emulated men, always felt masculine, never felt feminine. [At] one point in my life, I had to think about [going through sex change surgery]. I thought it over for a long time and decided no. Women [who] have made the change to male really [don't have] all the physical apparatus or feeling. They're left with scars; they're physically mutilated. [I'm] getting more into feeling [that] it's OK to be a woman--I don't have to be the kind of woman that society decides women [should be].

Like a lot of us, I came from a very dysfunctional family. I spent a lot of time out of the house. I started having sex when I was 7 years old, and by the time I was 12 or 13, I was hanging out with the wrong kids and drinking and spending nights hanging out with older guys and older women. My mom would call the police and say, "My daughter is missing." I was an only child. My parents wouldn't let me go to summer camp because they were afraid I was going to get hurt. They were really protective. When I didn't come home at night, they would freak out and call the police. Then I would come home [at] 5 o'clock in the morning, and the police would say, "Your daughter is a runaway." I was [also] drinking underage, and all these things were going onto my juvenile record. By the time I was 15, I had a record a couple of yards long, I imagine. My parents couldn't get me to stop. They considered [me] incorrigible. They wanted to put me into this [private] girls' school in Chicago called Good Shepherd, and [have me] stay there for a year and a half with nuns. From the stories I heard, it was not the best thing; [whereas] if you went to reform school, you'd probably get out within less than 6 months. So when the nuns came [to interview] me, I said, "I don't want to go to your fucking school." The judge sent me to reform school. I spent 5 months there.

I had always been butch as a child. I [was] never attracted to little girls; I always [had] sex with boys. When I [was] around 13, I tried to be more feminine, but I was more of a tailored type. When I got into reform school, everybody there [was] into [something] called the honey business, which meant that girls were attracted to girls. We spent the majority of our time writing long notes to one another. The better you could rap, the more popular you were. There [were also] "families" in reform school. People would be uncles and brothers and sisters. There were some women who had their hair combed back and looked butch. They got to wear jeans. The rest of the women wore sack dresses and black and white oxfords. This did not appeal to me at all. [So] I got myself [assigned to] the warehouse delivering fruits and vegetables to the different cottages. That way, I could wear jeans, work- shirt, and tennis shoes. I started combing my hair back because I liked the look. [One] woman, who was a real lesbian, took a shine to me and started writing to me. [She] adopted me as her little brother [in] one of the bigger families on campus. You never got to sleep with these women, because you had separate rooms. The most you could do was put your arm around someone at TV time or steal a real fast kiss at gym. It was never sexual. [Eventually], we started having [an] affair. It wasn't accepted at first because [we were both] butch.

Reform school was very scarring. You learn how to be street-smart, but [the institutional cruelty made me] like a whipped dog. [It] sticks with you. You learn to survive as kids, and you carry that stuff into adulthood: it affects who you are as an adult.

I was in a 12-year [live-in] relationship and there's just too much stuff you have to hash out afterwards. I haven't lived with any of my lovers since then. [In my live-in] relationship, [my partner had a] daughter. I went into that relationship when I was 18: I was pretty much a kid myself. Being an only child, I didn't have any siblings [that I had] to share with, so I was [a] pretty selfish kid, too. [My] relationship with that child was not [maternal]. Now I'm more of a mature woman. I know what it is to love and care for a child and [to] feel maternal instincts. [Daddy/girl and daddy/boy] feed into that. I have a lot more worldly experience [which] I can share and teach and be nurturing.

[Although] a daddy's girl is more of a turn-on to me than a boy, the biggest turn-on was teaching and having [one boy] look to me for support, for information, for love and [thinking] of me as sexually knowledgeable. With daddy's boy, it's nurturing. One woman I was involved with was daddy's boy: she would learn the butch stuff; [we] would go out and cruise women together. I remember going out with one of my boys. We would go to a bar and [cruise] the chicks, the babes--whatever you want to call it. [I'd] show [my boy] how this is done; daddy [takes the] lead. I've [also] taught some boys how to use the whip, because a lot of them want to be tops: they're [gaining] some expertise from you as well. We've also done scenes where we've gone to a party and topped someone else. The two of us would top [an]other woman. This woman would [perhaps] be tied up and watching what's going on, and at some point we might break and start kissing or making out or touching each other. It [is] a turn on, because this person is tied up and wanting both of you at the same [time] and not able to have either of you.

With boys it's been intrinsically short-term, because they seem to need change. They may be happy and then feel they want to go on [to] topping. So they're looking to grow out of it real fast. But daddy's girl is more of an equal [relationship].

With daddy's little girl, if I was expecting her for the day, I might make breakfast for the two of us, and we might retreat to the bedroom for sex and play around for a while. [I might ask questions, such as], "What did you do last night? Did you go to that slumber party or did you call up boys and have boys come over? And if those boys came over, were you good or [did] you play around?" Depending on the person and how they feel, they can play off of it. One woman that I was involved with was very good at [this]. She would [say], "No, I wasn't being good!" "What were you doing?" "I let this boy touch me." So daddy [would ask], "How did this boy touch you?" and she would say, "He touched me like this!" [and show me] or she wouldn't tell me until I explored [it myself]. It would get into a whole thing of making love around that. And then, maybe, daddy would take his little girl out [to] the movies. Daddy would dress in butch stuff; daddy's little girl would be in normal femme clothes. She would not be dressed up as a little girl. [If] we went to the movies, daddy would buy popcorn and Milk Duds or whatever little girls like to eat at the movies. It could be a Walt Disney flick or something [else] that's childish but [which] also would appeal to an adult. Afterwards, we [might] go for ice cream, possibly at [a shop where, when you] order certain ice creams, they come and make all this noise, [singing] stuff and [making] fun of you. Or we would go play video games or go to the Santa Cruz boardwalk and [ride] the Ferris wheel, the merry-go-round, the roller-coaster, [and] play the games. Daddy would try to win his little girl a prize, of course. [And we might] go lingerie shopping. [If so], daddy would buy his little girl something very sexy. Then we might go out to dinner; daddy usually picks up the tab. When I take a femme out, it's sort of a given.

Not every relationship I [enjoy has] to have that element to be [appealing to me]. It's something that I do, but it's not the only way I relate to people. I think it's another part of my sexuality. I like doing it, [and] if I can get away with it, and the person [is into] it, I enjoy doing it. But every time I go to bed with a person, every time I have a date with somebody, it's not always in [the] role [of daddy]. I would probably play with it, if the person was into it.

To me a master is someone who owns someone, who is totally into top space, and needs to keep that top space at all times in a scene. They treat the bottom as a slave, as a piece of property. When you're in a daddy/daddy's girl [or] daddy/boy scene, this person is not under your control all the time. They're not asking [for permission all the time]. It's more playful. If you had a little girl or little boy, and you took them out for the day, they would have a certain amount of freedom. They wouldn't have to wait for your command. There's not as much topping and bottoming as in master-slave.

[But], in most cases, I'm still the top and they're the bottom. I think there are different degrees [of dominance]. Some tops are totally in command of their bottoms at all times; they're into training, complete obedience, [and the] bottom being in a submissive place. [Then] there are tops [who are less controlling]. Maybe the only time they top is when they're in the bedroom. I think [the degree of dominance is] part of who I am. I tend to be on the lax side. I don't wield as much discipline when I'm out in public. We may talk about it ahead of time, and [my bottom] may say, "This is what I expect of you," but, [generally], once I get out in public, I'm more relaxed. I'm out to have a good time, not to constantly be on top of somebody to obey my every wish and command.

If people are interested in [this type of] play, they need to check out the other person's background. A lot of people, especially girls and women, have had incest problems. [We] are [discovering] that at least one-third of women in this country [were] sexually abused as children. [Often], the women don't even know. You need to be really [sensitive] and have a feel for what's happening. If something's not working right, don't push it. Women have told me that they didn't even realize they had been molested as children, but that something suddenly happened and memories started coming back. I haven't had it happen to me. I'm pretty cautious. It's not that I'm not there for someone, or [that] I wouldn't be responsible or supportive if it [happened]--[but] why get into an area that's going to be trouble for you when there are so many other things you can do?