Different Loving
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An overview of the world of sexual dominance and submission, beginning with basic information for the general reader on what S/M is and how S/Mers define themselves. The section includes an examination of the Victorian roots of sexuality study and their influence on contemporary attitudes toward "normal" sex; a history of the contemporary D&S; communities, including the proliferation of kinky sex on the Net; a basic lexicon of D&S; terms; and discussions of "safe words," "limits," "Safe, Sane, and Mutually Consensual," and the kink community's ethos.

Chapters described below.

Chapter 1 ~ Chapter 2 ~ Chapter 3
1. Introduction
"In order to understand unusual sexualities such as dominance and submission (D&S;), one first has to consider the question, 'What is normal?'....We start from the premise that sex for pleasure is a normal human drive and is acceptable when it brings pleasure to both partners. From this perspective, D&S; is simply a 'different' kind of loving."
  • What Is Sadomasochism...Really?
  • Defining D&Sers;
  • Consciously Coming to Grips with D&S;
  • The Need that Doesn't Quit
  • Who Really Does It?
  • Where's the Stuff that I Like?
  • Why We Write
  • Quick cuts from our interviews:

    Dr. Ronald Moglia...
    ...is the director of the Human Sexuality graduate program of New York University's Department of Health Education. He received his Ed.D. from Temple University. Dr. Moglia joined the NYU graduate program in 1979 and has chaired it since 1988.

    "I would say tying and spanking behavior between consenting adults is no more intrinsically unhealthy than wanting to have coital sex or engaging in any kind of precoital behavior that occurs between consenting adults. [But as a society], we don't recognize fringe behaviors that are done in an acceptable, healthy way."

    Howard and Martha Lewis...
    ...are a husband-and-wife team and the authors of numerous texts on human sexuality. They edit the Journal of Sex Education and Therapy, Medical Aspects of Human Sexuality, Sexuality and Disability and other medical journals. They are also the chief administrators of the Human Sexuality Forums of Compuserve Information Service, the nation's largest on-line sexuality database.

    "We've gotten a glimpse into human sexuality that's much broader than what people see in the movies or magazines or [in] a standard sex-education class."



    2. Victorian Genesis and the Modern Scene

    "The practices and desires we will examine are as old as eros. Yet we are so accustomed to accepting the idea that unusual or unfamiliar sexual practices are 'perverse' that we rarely ask how these behaviors came to be so classified."


    • In the Beginning...
    • The Victorians
    • The Scientists
    • Psychopathia Sexualis
    • Havelock Ellis and the Observer Effect
    • The 20th Century
    • The Leather Evolution
    • The Modern Scene
    Quick cuts from our interviews:

    Dr. William A. Henkin...
    ...is a certified sex therapist and licensed marriage, family, and child counselor. He is past president of the San Francisco Bay Area chapter of the Society for the Scientific Study of Sex, a member of the Harry Benjamin International Gender Dysphoria Association, and holds a Ph.D. from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality.

    "There are two reasons, as far as I can tell, why S/M is taboo in our culture. The first has to do with control. As a society we are as frightened of control issues as we are of anger issues.... Second, if you control people's sexuality, you control their lives. If you tell them what they may or may not do sexually, you have in a very real and a very deep way told them who they may be...."

    ...is 38 years old and was raised in Europe. He lives in New York, where he works in a high-technology industry. He is on the board of directors of the Eulenspiegel Society, America's oldest S/M support Group.

    "For me, S/M is a very important part of a relationship. I enjoy dominating or submitting to someone that I really like. It doesn't have to end in intercourse. However, for me, when I'm in a relationship, and I currently am, the S/M is foreplay, and it ends up in what I call S/M intercourse."

    Carter Stevens...
    ...is 46 years old and lives in New Jersey. He owns and operates fetish-video companies and publishes The S&M News.

    "There is a misconception about the people in the Scene--what we term 'Ted Bundy-itis.' When you discuss S&M;, the first thing people think about is a Ted Bundy type preying on unsuspecting women and getting sexual kicks by maiming and killing. It's as far away from the Scene as it is from mainstream society."


    3. The ABCs of D&S;

    "This chapter is a primer of the principal issues and concepts that are familiar to members of the D&S; communities. The D&S; subculture has a highly sophisticated ethos to guide erotic play, which comprises ethical codes, safety rules, and communication tools."


    • What's in a Word?
    • The Credo: "Safe, Sane, and Consensual"
      • Safe
      • Sane
      • Consensual
    • The Idea of Community
    • Women, Political Correctness, and Sexual Freedom
    Quick Cuts from our interviews:

    ...is 29 years old and a high-school English teacher. She lives with Leonard.

    "For me, feminism is extremely important, but the word that we use most in feminism is choice. I'm choosing to submit to a man because I want to. When I stop wanting to, I can walk out the door. I can tell him to go sit on it and rotate if I want to."

    ...is 50 years old and the owner of a private business.

    "We playfully try to extend our D&S; relationship out of the bedroom and into our lives a little bit. She will often address me as 'sir'....'Sir' to my ears means 'I love you.' So each time she addresses me that way, it's a loving expression."

    ...is 37 years old and married. An armed-forces veteran, he now works as a paramedic.

    "Something I've explained to my submissives is that I don't get any satisfaction out of it unless I know that the submissive is enjoying it. It is more of a foreplay."

    Genevieve Reynolds...
    ...is 29 years old and works as a computer professional. She lives in California.

    "S/M gave me the tools to be a feminist. Feminism gave me lots of ideals to strive for. Feminism said to me, 'You must be a strong woman, you must have control in your own life,' but it never gave me any tools to attain that strength."
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