Different Loving
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A lengthy exploration of the psychological forms of S/M play-- from worship to humiliation, head trips to roleplaying, bestialization to objectification. The section concludes with a chapter devoted to life-style D&S, in which partners consent to a total power exchange. The section also contains the only contemporary, nonclinical, and in-depth discussion of infantilization in book form.

Chapters described below.

Chapter 4 ~ Chapter 5 ~ Chapter 6 ~ Chapter 7 ~ Chapter 8
"To most people, power is a political, economic, or social phenomenon which often entails the assertion of superiority over others for personal or group gain. But to the D&Sers;, the power exchange between lovers is a fundamental source of erotic excitement, shared by equals, and often an intellectually enlightening experience."
  • Why Does the Submissive Yield Power?
  • Why Does the Dominant Seize Power?
  • Erotic Coercion
  • The Worship of Power
  • Quick cuts from our interviews:

    M. Cybele...
    ...is 42 years old. She is a professional dominant, sex educator, and transformation counselor to the transgender community. Her life partner is James W.

    "As a top, I'm interested in people giving me their power. I don't need to rip it from them. I don't elevate myself by putting them down."

    James W....
    ...is 47 years old. He is a writer and a teacher.

    "[I want] to surrender as a way to give up my need to control my universe. To trust that my top, Cybele, will take care of it and take care of me, to trust that I can let go and have whatever experience I'm going to have."

    Sri Shivaynanda...
    ...is 48 years old. He is a former Air Force pilot and now works in the film industry in California. He is a spokesperson for the Service of Mankind Church (SMC).

    "In order to give up all of his symbols of power and ego, a man may strip himself naked and lie prostrate at the feet of the goddess. Only certain individuals are selected to perform that symbolic surrender of the male to the feminine aspect. In some cases he's bound, in some he's scourged--to show that he's making his ultimate surrender."

    Morgan Lewis...
    ...is in her late 50s and is on the board of directors of the Eulenspiegel Society. She is an entertainer, a professional massage therapist, and a mother.

    "I particularly [enjoy making] a dominant man submissive: that's really a big kick of mine. [And] I like meeting new slaves and watching them submit. I love walking into a room and watching guys just scramble to get me a seat."

    Ralph R...
    ...is 32 years old and married. He works in biomedical research.

    "I'm a straight monogamous male. And, parenthetically, both my wife and I are very active in our church and consider ourselves Christians....In terms of D&S;, I would be switchable if my wife were, but she really does not enjoy being submissive at all, so I'm primarily submissive, by exclusion."

    Rising Star...
    ...is in her mid-30s. She is a computer programmer and lives with her husband and children.

    "When I submit, I have to trust somebody a lot more than I would ordinarily think of trusting someone, and I show a lot more of myself. That's very satisfying. It's a sense of belonging, being at home, being comfortable."



    5. Head Trips and Roleplaying

    "No one who has ever loved is unaware of the power of a lover's words, the infinite meanings a lover's gestures can convey, the intoxicating ardor a lover's glances can incite, or the cruel yet often compelling power of a lover's rejection.... D&Sers; have found that playing on the essential dichotomy of love, that fusion of anxiety and delight that is the soul of passion, vastly enhances their pleasure.
  • What is It?
  • What It Isn't
  • Who Initiates Head Trips?
  • Unpredictability and Anticipation
  • What Is Roleplaying?
  • Humiliation and Embarrassment
  • Denial
  • Quick cuts from our interviews:

    Master Chris...
    ...is 33 years old and is married with children. He owns a software company and operates an electronic bulletin board.

    "If there's a hunger for anything in [D&S;] for me, it's for that sensation of anticipation or for seeing that sensation within the submissive. It's like, "God, what's gonna happen next...oh, my God, it could be anything!"

    ...is 40 and married with children. She has worked in medical and behavioral research and has taught emotionally disturbed children.

    "I find a certain amount of embarrassment extremely arousing. For example, I giggle very easily--so my husband will say something to me very softly in public so only I can hear it."

    ...is in his late 40s and works in the fine arts business. He is married to Trudi.

    "I identified very much with the old sailing ship movies of the period: the swashbuckler films with Erroll Flynn. The flogging scenes were exciting for me; I always identified with the victim."

    ...is 47 years old. She is a sculptor.

    "I'm a dominant; my husband is submissive. We've been married for 27 years. It's more of a head game than a physical game with us. We also do spankings and bondage and things like that, but it's more of a reversal of roles. My husband is very dominant in business, and in our sexual life we reverse these roles."



    6. Ageplay

    "An inner child may live within us all, but the adult world of S&M; is brimming with blatant scamps. Whether it's in the role of a rambunctious teenager, a misbehaving schoolboy, or a terrible two-year-old, ageplay is perhaps the most ubiquitous and most sensitive form of D&S; roleplaying."

    [Note: Ageplay occurs uniquely between consenting adults.]

  • What is It?
  • Who Does It?
  • Why Ageplay?
  • Adolescentilism
  • Juvenilism
  • Autonepiophilia, or Infantilism
  • Quick cuts from our interviews:

    Jeff Britton...
    ...is 30 years old and is an active member of the Gay Male S/M Alliance (GMSMA). He lives in New York City, where he works in a corporate mail room. Mr. Britton is also self-employed as a leather crafter. [Note: Mr. Britton died of AIDS after Different Loving was published.]

    "A daddy-son scene for me has always been [with] a man who has taken a parental role...telling me...how to please a person, how to get to know someone better, and sharing. We act [this] out."

    Dyke Daddy...
    ...is 43 years old. She is an accountant.

    "Being the child serves [submissives'] need to feel taken care of. I think we all feel at some point that we want to let go and not worry--that somebody's going to be there to take care of us. It [allows] them to play with taboo fantasies that we all have probably thought of at some point."

    ...owns and operates the Diaper Pail Fraternity (DPF), the nations's largest support and informational organization for infantalists.

    "It's the old story of the boss at the corporation who pushes everybody around and has all the power; [then] he goes home, puts on his diaper, and his wife gives him a bottle. I think these are people whose fathers told them, 'Boys don't cry; boys aren't soft!' Whereas I think we know that boys are a combination in varying degrees."

    George G...
    ...is 35 years old. He is a quality-control engineer. He founded Adult Babies, an on-line support group on Compuserve.

    "My feeling is that I'm trying to recapture the childhood I feel I was twice denied.... For a lot of people infantilism brings a feeling of reassurance; for others [it] fulfills the need for nurturing.... It makes me feel comforted, relaxed."

    ...is 29 years old. An ex-serviceman, now disabled, he attends college.

    "[Infantilism] is my main coping mechanism for the multiple sclerosis.... I'm in diapers all the time anyway.... Any time I'm sick, any time that I cannot do everything myself, it's a very important part of my life.


    7. Depersonalization
    "Of all the roles that D&Sers; may play out with partners, the fantasy of becoming less than a person is among the most controversial."
  • What is Depersonalization?
  • Dog and Pony Shows--and Worms
  • The Inanimate World: Furniture and Objects
  • Institutional Cruelty: Hospitals, Reformatories, Prisons
  • Quick cuts from our interviews:

    Danny the Wonder Pony...
    ...is a performance artist who has turned his fetish into his profession. He lives in New Jersey.

    "I have a custom-made costume, and it consists of a saddle, reins, stirrups, all the equestrian equipment [tailored to] fit me. I get down on all fours for a second, and the lady sits in the saddle. Her feet go in the self-adjusting stirrups, and then I stand up on two legs and dance.... The equestrian equipment--the stirrups and all that stuff--intertwine; it's a fetish. Those objects have a sensation because they've been used by the woman. It's the objects that give me erotic feelings about women--not the women."

    ...is 50 years old. He is an artist and real-estate investor and lives with Lindsay (profiled in Chapter 20).

    "My fantasies basically [revolve around] having women slaves, using women as pets or as objects....The most exciting fantasies that I have right now are, first, the dog-show fantasy. Women are brought in cages by masters."


    8. Life-style D&S
    "For most of us, sex is an act or series of acts, done in private, often compartmentlized or distinct from our larger reality. For life-style D&Sers, however, sexuality is an integral aspect of identity."
  • What is Life-style D&S?
  • Why Do They Like It?
  • Life-style Problems
  • Quick cuts from our interviews:

    Frank W...
    ...and Lisa W are 37 and 25, respectively. They own a computer consulting firm and once led the on-line D&S support group of CompuServe, where they first met. They have two children.

    "[D&S;] is not 100 percent vital with someone I really care about. [But] I have both. I am madly in love with my slave."

    Lisa W

    "D&S is not just in the bedroom for me. If anything, D&S keeps me from staying inside a shell.... When I'm feeling submissive, I'm more open: I feel things, I enjoy life."

    Bambi Bottom...
    ...is 33 years old and an independent management consultant. She and her husband live in the Bible Belt.

    "I get this perverse delight in giving up my power completely and knowing that I am absolutely controlled by someone else. It's this tingly feeling in my body, this shiver of delight."
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