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SM and Body Size

1 GloriaBrame   2021-01-21 18:09

Hey, folks. Here's a new topic for the week for you to chew on.

Will's slave (ketzele, as she's known on this board) raised an interesting question the other night, one which Will and I have often discussed--inconclusively-- ourselves. Are there (as many contend) more heavyset people in our Scene than in other communities? An article in Salon magazine some months back really ticked off activists because the reporter made obnoxiously unflattering comments about the body size of people she met at an event.

Personally, I've seen a lot of big people at clubs and events, plus many of my SM friends struggle with weight/diets, etc. But then I've also seen a lot of remarkably SKINNY people around too (including some who might qualify as anorexic); and I know that bulimics are simply undetectable in a crowd. But does our community have more weight issues than others? Of that I'm not sure. I can't help suspecting it's just another way of putting us down. One look around the typical crowd of Americans tells you that obesity is now rampant and that more comfortable body sizes are becoming the norm.

So...What do you think? Is some connection between SM and body size? Are we fatter than vanillas, as a group? If you're struggling with weight issues, have you ever drawn any connections between your sexuality and your body size?


p.s. What would you think of my adding another message board devoted specifically to weight issues?

2 nastykate   2021-01-21 19:56

Gloria, if this is indeed true, then perhaps it isn't that we (as BDSM'rs) are heavier or larger folks as a norm, but simply that those who are "out of the closet" are more comfortable in their own skin that those who are more fit or smaller in size or even the close to perfect weight ones aren't so public about their lifestyles? I am average weight for a short person but only fantasize about public play - I have had some opportunity, just haven't found the balls to do it just yet other then normal voyuer stuff <grin>

3 lisa1   2021-01-21 20:25

I think we *see* more obese people in kinky crowds because it's more acceptable to show up even if you are fat, maybe? I used to be a swinger -- fat was not acceptable in swing clubs.

Frank has made controlling my weight a part of our dynamic -- and the firmer a hand he has in it, the better we both seem to do, and the more fit I am.

He's made me a new years resolution of 3x/week to try to lose my last 20 pounds to goal weight ... I need that sort of motivation.


4 David1   2021-01-21 20:31

Well, over 50% of Americans are overweight by current medical criteria, so if the BDSM community is going to be <fatter> than average, well....

I suspect the writer mentioned above was expecting to see the kind of lithe bodies you see on porn sites rather than <just plain folks>. Working in a big city ER I can tell you the <perfect tens> out there are few and far between. Average, normal, run-of-the-mill folks are, in this country, overweight. Why would it be different for BDSMers?

5 GloriaBrame   2021-01-21 21:16


That's my feeling too. But I do hear lots of people claiming that somehow bigger-than-average people are more common in the Scene. A few yrs ago, a local (Atlanta) group was formed specifically for big people: it drew a whole lot of people who'd been previously embarrassed about public play (and even attending events)--so I'm pretty sure there are lots of closeted overweight SMers (just as there are thin and medium-sized ones...that is one crowded closet!).

Kate--are you embarrassed about your body size...or just about being naked (or being naked and not having that fabled "perfect 10" shape)? Is it a "I've had kids, I'm not getting nekkid in public" kind of thing?

I was VERY shy about being naked when I was younger: I was the hippie-child who never skinny dipped :-) Being in the Scene all these years has radically altered my attitude about it though.


6 nightheron2   2021-01-22 01:09

The last news report I heard on Americans and their weight was that 65% of all American's are over-weight, and 25% of American's are obese. The question arises as to which height-weight chart the researchers were using, for one.

Also, some people carry their weight better than others. I've seen people who were "technically" over-weight who were radient, and I've seen people who were just a little over-weight who looked puffy and miserable. Like many things in life, a lot has to do with attitude.

Are more people in BDSM overweight? Impossible to say. I doubt if anyone has done an accurate poll of BDSM people. I've taken the opposite route, though.

I was obese before I got into BDSM, because I was miserable. Now that I'm starting to get into BDSM, I'm happier and I've lost weight. Hey, maybe I can sell a diet book about this! "How to Whip off the Pounds". Yeah, that'll work.


7 lace   2021-01-22 09:47

ok, here goes my armchair analysis......

We've talked about it quite a bit within my circle of friends, discussing weight and BDSM....and let me begin by saying that NONE of us (in this context) are perfect or are obsessed with having the perfect body, and i dont think any of us even work out--and most of us have at least 10-20 lbs that we could shed, easily. Also, i have a family member who is classified as morbidly obese, so i have dealt with weight issues all my life.

Just as with ANY group there are those individuals who seek a place to "fit in", and the broader range of acceptance and the non-judgemental attitude found within the BDSM culture probably attracts a disproportionately greater number of people who are seeking a "friendly" environment. ImHO, i don't think all of the subs in the scene are *truly* submissives (fat or thin), they just accept the conditions/activities and kink in order to be loved and accepted. i don't find anything wrong with this, as long as it isn't emotionally damaging to them or unhealthy--and i'm not responsible for making those evaluations. (i also think that many "Doms" out there arent truly Dom, but just Dom out of fear of losing control---or because they have a penis--which is a whole other topic)

My concern/question with weight issues in the scene, beyond the obvious medical/health risks, is that not every overweight person in the scene is overweight because of medical conditions (ie: thyroid), and by "overweight" i'm referring to those who have more than just 20 or 30 lbs to lose. To me (from the subby perspective), the core esscence of being Dom is control, and if a Dom is significantly overweight, then They are clearly not in control of Themselves, which leads to the question, if They arent in control of Themselves, how can They (effectively) be in control of another? And conversely, given the ramifications of severe weight issues, wouldn't a good Dom strive to improve the health of His/Her submissive?

From my own personal struggle with weight, and the issues within my family, i have concluded that for us, our weight problems have their genesis in an emotional/mental arena that no amount of dieting will "fix" until the psychological issues behind it have been addressed. We clearly have a long history of depression and alcoholism in our genes, though how many in my family have had the stength (and courage) to acknowledge this, and respond accordingly, i don't know....we don't talk about it.....but i wouldn't be surprised if the (psychological) issues in our family were similar drivers for many obese people (both in and out of the scene) whether they know it or not. And like my family, society tends to ignore the root cause and focus on the obvious effect...with diet plans, pills, surgeries, and health clubs galore...which only keep people from addressing the "real" issues.

Yes, the scene probably has proportionately more overweight people than other "groups" that are created based on common beliefs (Republicans, Methodists, NRA advocates, etc...) but these groups also have disfunctional members within their ranks too, both fundamentally and personally(abuser/addict/adulterer.) No group is ever so exclusive as to be "pure"--even "extemist" organizations often splinter based on differences of opinion (isn't that how the Protestant denominations were formed?) Because of the unique dynamic within the BDSM community that accepts, and even embraces, personal differences...it most likely attracts those who feel excluded elsewhere. The freedom within BDSM is one of the characteristics that i particualarly admire...you can be who you ARE, not what you are "supposed" to be--and that's all that matters.

8 nastykate   2021-01-22 14:00


It isn't the nudity that I am thinking about when it comes to playing publically, its a few things actually - 1. 80% of the time when M and I are playing there is large toys or vaginal fisting involved in the end of the session - it is my final release so to speak. This meaning that if we were public, well, I am not excited to know that others would be watching this activity, I fantasized about it once or twice, but not seriously considering it - even though all friends I have talked with are completely interested in this and would love to watch, since there is other stimulation going on during it, i.e. nipple clamps (nothing I would consider if it wasn't during the fisting i.e. large rough things!) and sometimes pinching, spanking the thighs, biting etc.

2. M isn't much of a public play person - he is very private and more visual at parties - I know we will someday actually participate, but when hes ready, not when I think I am ready.

Love Kate

9 nastykate   2021-01-22 14:05

ps. Gloria, I am very much into my "skin" - I am 41 with teens, wear bikini's tank tops in summer - no bra, sleep nude, and have always been very open about my body since a pre teen, I remember playing in yard as a kid with no shirt on - then when I grew little "buds" was grounded since I didnt realize girls didnt do that. I skinny dipped as a teen - grew up in 70's and lived at beach during summer in a tent - went home once a week to say hi - complete freedom - but at work now I wear suits, stockings, heels - and even have to wear a bra - who made up those rules? <smile> -

10 lisa1   2021-01-22 14:35

For people who are morbidly obese, check out some of the surgical solutions offered these days. There are some amazing results. I know all about them because I ended up with a similar surgery for cancer, but have had much the same results.


Also, on egroups, you can start out by searching on OSSG


and there's even an OSSG + BDSM group sponsored by yours truly.

Being obese is not fun. I know there's nothing like a convert, but I wish I'd learned of these much earlier and didn't have to have cancer to find out about it.


11 GloriaBrame   2021-01-22 23:26


Just to be sure I understand you...are you saying that you feel comfortable doing non-sexual/penetrating SM in public, but don't find it exciting to have others watch that (or see you orgasm?).


12 nastykate   2021-01-23 13:28

yes I am comfortable with non-sexual/penetrating SM in public, would like to expand on that issue and find the courage to perform publically or at a private party,

and yes, I do find it exciting and very erotic to someday have others watch me orgasm - but haven't found the guts to do it YET and he just hasn't pushed it or maybe isn't ready himself -

guess I need encouragement - or a invitation locally :-)

13 Winston   2021-01-23 16:39

Hi All,
  What always amazes me is not when people do not fit the "ideal" (whose?) norm but how that many very good looking people feel like crud about their looks and their bodies- probably comparing themselves to the elusive ideal. I have found that many gorgeous woman feel like they look like road kill, and some OK looking woman feel fine about themselves and come off great to the world just because of a good self-image. And women are MUCH harder on their looks than man are...
  One of my ongoing goals has to been to convince my lady that she is as gorgeous as she is; it is an uphill battle. The couple of times that her self image came out to others, their jaw dropped in disbelief that she did not see herself as attractive.
  So I guess I am saying that while good health is a goal and nice looks help in this world, I have found that most folks lose out on alot of joy just because of poor self-image. Maybe the BDSM folks are just less self-concious- and thus more out there to be seen- since they already had to deal with lousy self image and the lack of acceptance by society just to get to the point of being in public playing etc.
   My .2 cents-W

14 nastykate   2021-01-23 22:14

My personal shyness for lack of a better word to type here isn't from lack of self confidence etc on what or others think of my body, I love to wear sexy clothes both for play and daily activity, I have always been one of the ladies all men stared at when I walked into a room, party or meeting for that matter. I ooze sexuality is what I have been told and am pretty and have a nice body - minus three kids and lack of exercise in the traditional sense. I am very much happy with how I look with my clothes on and comfortable for the most part 1/2 naked, its having an orgasm in public with people watching that kinda gets me, especially with something as intimate as vaginal fisting or being spanked or slobbering from a bit gag etc - just going to take some time to get to that point, I would love to try it, but M doesn't feel that I am ready, that I would not submit freely and openly like I do in private and it would be damaging - I know I could if it was people I knew very well and trusted, not just for kicks at a lifestyle club in hollywood I am sure, and that has been most of my opportunity other then my first play party where we observed, I was going to play at the party but it was a bad day since I had news of a family member being in critical condition after a car accident and since I couldnt see him until the next day in ICU we went to the party since it was a close friends birthday party. Munch's are something we have discussed but again time is scarce for us.

Love Kate

16 nightheron2   2021-01-23 23:28

Along the lines of safety precautions, here's something of note: around where I live, there was a scandal involving the police. They arrested a drunken man, hog-tied him, then placed him on his stomach. The man was heavy-set and died of asphixiation. The weight of his own body produced too much pressure for his lungs to work. If you're going to have someone hog-tied for an extended period of time, lay them on their side.


17 Thorn4MyRose   2021-01-24 08:48

From: Thorn4MyRose

I think it's rather interesting how much of the original point is being missed in the way this topic is developing. But that's just me. ;-)

The issue of whether or not there are more people in the Scene who are overweight than in other segments, as I see it, lies within something called the Reticular Activating System. (What the hell is this moron talking about NOW?)

Have you ever seen or heard something, that you never noticed before, and then it seems that suddenly, almost magically, it's 'everywhere'? A particular kind of car, for example? A song on the radio? A specific style of clothing? Well, the reason is that when your brain focuses on something that sparks your interest (positively or negatively) for the first time, you begin relating to it. You subconsciously begin LOOKING for it. And since you're not aware that you weren't interested in that specific issue before, it SUDDENLY SEEMS that it's 'more' noticeable.

The reporter from Salon magazine who made the obnoxious comments about overweight people in the bdsm Scene (see post #1, this thread) was probably indeed initially focused on the fantasy that the people involved would be the type you might see in a porn video (see post #4, this thread). Faced with reality rather than such conjecture (the reality being that 'everyday people in the Scene are actually everyday people in LIFE' <gasp>), the person developed a different focus. Hence the comments, hence the activist rage, hence the debate.

All of which, of course, misses the point: People. Since appearance is always what's seen first, we tend not to see the PERSON initially, but begin measuring them against whatever our personal reticular activating system 'believes'. The reporter in question may indeed have been obnoxious in their comment(s), but how can anyone challenge their BELIEF when it's obviously fantasy-based to begin with? The statement(s) may have been demeaning and inciting in nature, but I for one would have never given any weight to it (them) in the first place (based on what I've written above).

So, ARE there 'more' overweight people in the Scene than in other segments? Until you can say that you've scientifically measured however many other social segments of the community it takes to get a viable sampling, and have completely withheld all judgments during the process, I propose that it's irrelevant to speculate (though apparently popular for some reason). It may even be irrelevant to question. (Except perhaps for the purpose of having concrete data available when confronting an obnoxious idiot, but would you think even that would be helpful in such a case?)

In my opinion (IMO), what really matters is this: Everyone has their own unique beauty -- their own unique ugliness -- and neither are always skin related. Initial attractions notwithstanding, the rest is just conversation.

Be safe,

18 lil one   2021-01-28 04:20

First off, I really dont think body size and SM should go together...... (but then, thats my opinion)

I dont think that Im "fat", but I could lose the hardest 10 pounds I have left. But come on, why should we be obsessed with being more skinny, more buff, more or less of anything???

I read a perfect line out of a book called the Ethical Slut. They said that being beautiful is a feeling. Its not tangible..... If youre comfortable with your body, and you feel comfortable, then why not???

My Master said something rather curious to me....we were talking about me losing weight...Im doing this on my own....but He said He liked the extra "flesh"....more to grab, more to spank, more to well, everything....and I really dont think that if youre under a 14, (speaking in womens sizes), you are far FAR from fat...(Im anywhere from 5-10)

19 -Craig-   2021-01-29 10:10

Marina and I attended a munch on Sunday and just for the hell of it (and as a result of having read posts in this thread previously), I took a mental inventory of the group. Out of 18 people present (more than I expected on a Superbowl Sunday), 13 were, in my humble opinion, "large" ... meaning probably in excess of 200 pounds. Of the 13, nine were women, four were men. I don't know all of the people so I have no idea how it broke down in terms of subs vs. doms. My gut feel though is that the majority of the "large" individuals appeared to be submissive.

So for that particular group of people, there did appear to be a greater proportion of overweight individuals than what I would see on the street.

The more important consideration though, which lil one, Thorn and others have already raised, is who gives a damn?

All the people at the munch were deleriously happy, and that's NOT something I can say about the average shmoe on the street. I realize that extra body weight brings with it additional health concerns, but you have to wonder who really has their shit together -- the Barbie and Ken types who spend their lives at the gym and remain unhappy, or the folks at the munch who obviously enjoy their lives to the fullest.

20 drksidepet   2021-01-29 11:37

this is a subject that hits close to home for me... i am 43 years old and from the looks i still get, i dont look too bad <wink>.. the problem lies within me, the way i see myself... i grew up on the chubby side, with kids and even adults making snide comments... i developed early and suddenly had men and boys staring at me.. i slimmed down some, although i still had a healthy athletic appearance i never felt thin enough... i was poplular to a degree and as i matured i learned to deal with people talking to my chest <giggle>, but the underlying feeling of not being "perfect" enough was always with me... this has come into play with my relationship with my Master a great deal... i wear lingerie daily per His instructions <i must change when i get home from work > and sometimes i just cringe when i see myself in the mirror... He is always pleased and loves how i look and i know this should be enough... but when i see the pictures that he enjoys looking at of the pretty young abnormally flexible <acckk> women in bondage, i find myself comparing my older less flexible body with theirs and my self image plummets... He constantly tells me how beautiful i am, both inside and out and i honestly believe he sees me that way... the problem is... how do i see myself like that?? whats the trick?? liposuction?? <just kidding ...sorta>

actually, as i am made to wear such skimpy outfits on a regular basis now, i have grown a bit more comfortable with myself... but i still have a long way to go... He keeps threatening to post pictures of me if i keep complaining about myself, so... im behaving big time...lol... and once i see that look of pleasure on His face when i walk into the room in my skimpy outfit, my confidence grows and i remember how loved i am... and that's all that really matters...


21 lil one   2021-01-30 03:40


I am by no means "putting down" large people....if they are happy and content with themselves.....Im very happy for them for being so comfortable in their skin!!! (and quite proud of them)

But I look at it from a health issue side.... Im not a Dr, but I have an aunt who used to be quite large....very large in fact....and she was astounding!! Gorgeous. But she then started to diet....and she got very ill.....(of course the drugs didnt help) But her Dr had told her if she didnt lose any weight, she would have heart problems and such.....

But no, Craig, I could really care less if people are overweight,underweight, or just right. Its what makes them feel good about themselves.....

and drksidepet...I can relate!! Believe me, I can relate, and Im only 23!!! If I were only this much thinner, If I were only this much more muscular....yea!! *nodding* It took alot of self-realization that I am beautiful inside and out....

"You are only as beautiful as you FEEL"

And Craig, youre right again.....I would rather be experiencing life OUTSIDE the gym....and be totally free and happy!

22 GloriaBrame   2021-01-30 14:52

One thing that women find impossible to believe is that men really DO NOT GIVE A FLYING FAJITA if a woman doesn't have "perfect thighs" or "perfect breasts" or if she's carrying a few extra pounds. As has been reported time and Time and TIME again, most men appreciate a little extra flesh. A mature man is attracted to a woman he can talk to, not her butt.

No other generation has been so weirdly fixated on things like breast size, ass size and belly fat etc. This obsession with feminine physical perfection is a total fabrication created by fashion editors and Barbie doll manufacturers. It also reflects our national obsession with youth. Looking at fashion magazines, one wonder why they don't just hire 7 year olds to model clothes, since obviously that's their ideal body type.

I don't think that SMers are more overweight than other groups. I do think vanilla reporters come in LOOKING for negatives to bolster their pre-existing prejudices. For example "SM'ers just can't be normal, so let me look around this room, past all the totally average looking people having fun, and AHA--I see some big people! Oh, look! More big people! I knew it! They ARE sick!"

However big people may be more likely to attend SM events than other social events. if you're overweight and shy and self-conscious about it, why go to a party where dyed blonde anorexics give you the evil eye, when you can go to a party where people can't wait to get you out of your clothes? As a group (though there are obvious exceptions), SMer's tend to look beyond the extra pounds and into a person's soul.

As the supreme domestic dominatrix, Martha Stewart, says, "that's a good thing"!

23 Winston   2021-01-30 17:10

Hi All-
  Right on Glory!
  Ladies believe your men when they say you look great- and enjoy being who you are!
  Besides, whoever tells a Dominatrix armed with a cane or a whip etc. that she needs to lose a few pounds- well, they deserve what they get ! :)
   Play well-W

PS The women who I have been with in the past- as well as my present lady- who were kinky seemed to be the most attractive to me - or perhaps I just remember them that way!

24 nastykate   2021-01-30 23:24

amen Gloria - I haven't ever been obese but have had my ups and downs. I was in the army at age 18 and looked incredible, a 5'2" 110 pds ball of muscle and full of spit and fire - after 3 kids by the age of 27 I still looked good - just more womanly - when I went thru my divorce even though it was a relief I left the army and any affliation (civilian or military status) and gained weight and stopped working out in any shape or form, devoted to working and staying off welfare. I ended up sitting at 140 pds a year and a half ago, decided I hated the pouch belly and having to wear size 12/14 clothes - I wear a size 6 on a good day, a size 8 on a bad day - and am happy and feel good now, just watch what I eat, exercise is limited to running for 2 teens and lots of great sex - I eat what I want, just dont overdo the fat and only want to get firmer, not smaller. I personally am attracted to women who are larger then I, but have difficulty with obesity - my M isn't a perfect Ken doll either, but damn I love him - its odd how when I am scouting (LOL) for a woman for intimacy I find myself looking at the less then perfect types, living in california it seems most of society is into the blonde, big store bought tits and lipo'd asses muscled men and the perception is that is what we are supposed to look like, and less into the reality of the humans we see in our everyday vision.

25 Storm   2021-01-31 18:46

It took me a while to answer this particular train of thought because I have felt uncomfortable with my body for years ..... I also had to think about the question because I do remember thinking that first Black Rose meeting ......that I had just entered a nest of misfits.

It is because of that word "misfits" that I have hesitated to respond. I did not like the sound of that word, even though I was the one who mouthed it.

Surprisingly enough, it was also the thought that this group of people were "misfits" that made me feel as comfortable as I ended up feeling by the end of the night.

Open-mindedness and acceptance is not one of the things that people do well at. My view of myself as a "misfit" came about after I got polio. Walking around in a leg brace at the age of seven teaches one the depth of discrimination that is harbored by many people. I know not that it was not me, but the fear of what I represented that put me on the "freak" list of many.

The world of people seems to do this to all who do not fit the media stereo-type. WHAT ONE DOES NOT UNDERSTAND, or feel a comfort level with ..... one usually turns away from.

Yes, there were many larger individuals at my first Black Rose meeting. There were also those with many tattoos ..... collars ...... strange attire and weird pairings.

And yes, I was as guilty as the next to see the outward appearances and judge, before I looked any further. And yes, when I first realized that this was a BDSM meeting, although I really did not know what that meant ... my thoughts were ... I guess that they are here because they do not fit anywhere else.

And yes I was uncomfortable and more than a bit afraid. Not because of what they were into .. but because of how they LOOKED.

I am going to venture a thought right here. That is that my reaction was not all that much different from the "average joe" ... be it Nilla or BDSMer.

I am however very open and broad minded, so it did not take long for me to get past the wrapping and see the contents.

As for the number of larger people being in this lifestyle ... I am going to have to say that I do not think that it is so. I attended BLACK ROSE '98 and actually found there was about an even mix. Perhaps the Big and Beautiful were even in the minority.

As with so much else .... if one wants it to be so ... then one can make the world believe.


26 GloriaBrame   2021-02-01 16:53


I lucked out genetically speaking: like my father, I've never had a problem with weight. There have been times in my life when it went up about 10-15 lbs. and times when it dropped, and friends told me I looked too thin. But for the most part, I've maintained a constant weight since I'm about 14 years old. Yes, I am pathetically consistent.

My sister, however, inherited my mother's slower metabolism (my mom has been 20 lbs overweight as long as I've been alive--and since she's only about 4'10", every pound makes a difference). So sis has struggled with her weight most of her adult life.

Since I've been involved in the Scene, my friends and partners have come in ALL sizes and shapes. I will honestly say that I prefer partners who are fit; but, bottom-line, that is just one of any number of variables, and by no means the most important. After all, I also honestly prefer men with big dicks....but, so far, haven't turned anyone away for having a small one. (Okay, maybe I've considered it...<eg>)

I feel that way pretty much about all the physical aspects of intimate relationships: one lovely fellow I dominated for years was an amputee (leg). It was kind of interesting, actually.

Speaking personally, I'd MUCH rather be with an overweight brilliant man than a handsome airhead. Besides, intelligence transforms beauty. I once had the opportunity to study with the great Russian poet, Joseph Brodsky. He was the most brilliant, intellectually alive person I've ever known. Looks-wise, he was middle-aged, chubby, flabby, freckled, bald, long nosed...yet to me, he was absolutely beautiful and totally desirable (an opinion apparently shared by GREAT GOBS of nubile women <g>).


27 lace   2021-02-01 19:57

intelligence is ALWAYS sexy *sm*

28 nastykate   2021-02-01 23:13

I am so consistent with my lovers - I like my men bad boy looking but with big hearts and intelligent minds. I like my women smart, soft, loving, giving and very fem - but most importantly a little less perfect then myself. I like imperfections - but like Gloria, umm...nothing like a big dick <smile> except for a bigger dick <ha ha ha> sorry, pms has my hormones wanting MORE....ok...tomorrow night is play night and time to release a weeks frustrations.....MY TURN DAMMIT!

29 infael   2021-02-18 15:24

I'm 5'10" and 150 lbs. My girl is 5'11" and 200 lbs but when I look at her, I see the most beautiful woman in the world. She knows this because I often call her beautiful.

Her being taller doesn't intimidate me, even when she wears heels. That just makes it a lot easier for me to control her. All I have to do is put my hands under her arms and lift up. Gives me excellent control. (weg)


30 themastersown   2021-02-18 20:34

Ok, I'm now convinced more than ever that I was meant to find this site. I have yet to peruse all the topics but I'm getting there. It does seem however that my questions are being answered so wonderfully, and sometimes I could just cry. Yes, I'm one of those super sensitive subs! I am also overweight, 5'3 1/2 and 180+lbs. Being new to the lifestyle I have always pictured the players involved to be thin, beautiful and very outgoing. I am large, not beautiful and shy. I often wonder how I will fit in. I've never been to a public meeting or even a private gathering. I know that a lot of it has to do with my fear of not being accepted
because of my weight. I also wonder how many women of color are in the scene? Are submissive? *sigh* So many questions......answers anyone? My being overweight also
makes my first meeting with Master a little more nerve wracking to say the least! He has seen my picture and knows what I look like and says it makes no difference to Him. Why can't I just accept that and be comfortable and assured that how He sees me is really all that matters?


31 Thorn4MyRose   2021-02-19 07:04

From: Thorn4MyRose
To: themastersown

Hi Deb. To your question: << Why can't I just accept that and be comfortable and assured that how He sees me is really all that matters? >> I offer this:

What you feel is a result of many years of conditioning. Intellectually, you can easily accept the heartfelt reassurances of your Master (and you probably do), but emotionally it will take a lot of REconditioning to FEEL it. It's actually going to be a focal part of the trust and connective bond between you two -- and an amazing part of what lies ahead for you if you grab it and nurture it.

So, let him give that to you. Let him be the ONE who truly makes you feel like the most beautiful and sexy woman in the world. Question it if you must, but always remember that you ARE someone special. If you open yourself to that single point, then you're taking the first step towards letting him help you to truly feel that way. :-)

Be safe,

32 alfafemm   2021-02-19 16:42

Dear Deb (themastersown),

I want to share this with you because I hope my experience encourages you. It's incredible but true that when I began to trust and to play, I began to learn how much pleasure my body can give and receive...and my shape (or lack of it!) was not the issue! My form didn't change, but with a little time (and the right kind of company) my focus did: I no longer saw myself as a dumpy middle-aged broad <g>, I begin to walk and move differently, conscious that I have something truly gorgeous to share - myself. I wasn't blind to the flaws but found it ever harder to be ...so darned hard on myself. And as I accepted and treasured myself more, I actually began to look better.
 I hope it happens for you too, Deb
(Actually, I hope your dom gives you the task to proudly describe all your wonderful physical features as if you were on the auction block!!).


33 themastersown   2021-02-19 21:15

Thanks so much T. and Deborah for your kind words and encouragement. I feel like family here and its because of things such as this. I hope to someday be of such comfort to others on this board some day. Deborah....I do know a little of what you speak as I do force myself to walk and carry myself with confidence. But as T. said.
it will take some time to actually "feel" that way. But I'm learning doggone it! :-)


34 Thorn4MyRose   2021-02-20 06:31

From: Thorn4MyRose

<< I hope to someday be of such comfort to others on the this board ... >>

First, I'd like you to know that you're ALREADY a comfort to many just by sharing your questions, feelings, and experiences here. Whenever someone identifies with something you've courageously shared here, the immediate feeling (among others, I'm sure) is: "I'm not alone." I'm sure you realize how comforting that is when one sincerely believes there's no one else who might understand what they're going through.

Second, and I mean this completely candidly, you (and everyone who posts here) are ALREADY a great comfort to people like me. Seeing the genuinely sincere efforts of people such as yourself to safely learn about the BDSM community, its activities, ups and downs, twists and turns, as well as to explore your feelings so openly, is very heartening and continually renews my faith in what 'we' are all about: Personal freedom in a safe, sane and consenting manner.

So, for that, I thank YOU.

Be safe,

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