QUESTION:
i was a foot fetishist and masochist. When i got 18 my fantasies began to disturb me and i tried to repress my sexual feelings. i did this for months and as a result i lost my erotic desire. Now im 23 so i have lack of sexual desire problem for 5 years. I think while i was trying to repress my sexual feelings i caused a problem called loss of erotic associations. Can you give me any info about this problem...i cant find much about it on net or books.. a book name including that will be also highly appreciated.

ANSWER:
Your question raises some questions. My first question is whether you simply can no longer have sexual fantasies--or if the problem is that you are forcing yourself not to fantasize about fetishes and masochism, and that all other types of fantasies leave you cold?

If the problem is that you simply have lost all sex drive, and are having difficulty achieving erections, then one of two things may be going on: first, that you are psychologically depressed, and that your libido has vanished under the weight of the depression. Depression can be successfully treated with a combination of anti-depressant medications and therapy.

Another possibility is that you have an as-yet undetected medical condition which is causing erectile dysfunction. If so, I recommend you go to a urologist for a complete sexual health check-up.

Now, there is another possibility here and that possibility is that you are doing this to yourself by trying to repress your natural sexual identity. Repression is never a solution to sexual problems. If anything, it usually only makes the problems worse.

Contrary to what those other doctors told you, masochism is a fairly common feature of human sexuality, and if you know and feel that intense sensations are pleasurable to you, then you are a masochist. It's that simple. Masochism, by the way, is not a monolithic concept: people span a vast range of masochistic tastes, from a very mild level (people who like rough kisses or love-bites) to a more extreme level (harsh whippings, piercings), and so on. All of the above holds true for foot fetishism (and other fetishes) too. Fetishes are common; the person with the fetish knows what turns him/her on; and every person's fetish is likely to be just a little different from the next person. (Did you know, for example, that people develop fetishes for particular styles of shoes? Some people have a fetish for high heels, others are aroused only by sneakers, still others can only get turned on by black leather boots. There are hundreds of known variations.)

In any case, there is no "cure" for fetishism; getting a girlfriend won't change you and forcing yourself to think of other things will probably only make the problem worse.

So my advice is simple: if the reason you aren't getting excited anymore is because you are trying to pretend you are NOT turned on by the things that do turn you on, you are causing your own problem. If you could stop seeing your desires as negative, and understand that these desires are appropriate to *you* and that you can find positive ways to express them, then I think your libido will wake up again.

I encourage you to learn to accept yourself as you are, without shame (there are millions of people out there who share your needs), and to work towards finding friends or support groups where you can safely and proudly explore your sexual differences.

best,

Gloria G. Brame, PhD

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