QUESTION:
What type of husband would enjoy pornography from a magnitude of young teens to seeing women have sex with animals. I have seen his collection of photos with women being raped, and S&M. You name it, he has it. And he prefers to have this, than to have sex with me. This has been going on for over 5 years. Please educate me. I want to know whats wrong with me. Thank you.

ANSWER:
Many men enjoy pornography across a fairly wild range of interests. For the most part, an enjoyment of pornography, particularly in men, is considered normal. Studies have shown that men are much more likely than women to be aroused by visuals, which is why the average customer for porn is male. Married men are no exception. Even if they remain completely faithful in the flesh, reading or watching porn gives them a little extra stimulation and boosts their sex-drive.

Pornography can be a positive thing in a marriage if both partners share the positive results of this increased passion--for example, if your husband used porn as a form of foreplay for himself and then made love to you, or if he invited you to join him in watching an adult video that you can both enjoy. It becomes destructive to a marriage, however, when the husband substitutes porn for intimacy and withdraws from his wife into his fantasy world. Unfortunately, your husband seems to be in this latter category.

If your husband is completely immersed in porn to the point where he expresses little or no interest in sex with you, you must attack this problem directly. Calm discussion (as opposed to arguing and accusations) is the first step. In your case, I would recommend that you consider professional counseling with a clinical sexologist. It is possible your husband's obsession with pornography is actually a sign of depression.

No matter how peculiar some of his fantasies may seem, S&M, rape fantasies, and even sex with animals are fairly common, particularly on the Internet. However, if he is looking at pornography involving minors, he needs counseling immediately. First, because this may signal deeper underyling emotional problems; second, because whether you produce or simply look at it, child pornography is illegal. If he should get caught at this, he will be arrested.

The best hope for avoiding a future catastrophe is to get him into competent counseling and to find out what is really going on with him. Depression can be treated successfully, as can sexual addictions and obsessions.

Best of luck to you both.
Gloria G. Brame, PhD

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